On my way to the local newspaper, I got lost and ended updriving past AGLC’s building. I had to turn around and as I did, I noticed two flags blowing proudly in the wind; a Canadian flag and the flag of Alberta. I putmy van in park and sat still for a moment. The flag poles were so tall they looked like kings standing proud and pleased, facing forward with honour. I am a sentimental person. In the past, watching flags rippling with the wind would have reminded me how proud I am of my home. But today was different. Something caught me off guard. Instead of feeling nostalgic and proud, I felt angry. I wasn’t expecting this feeling. In fact, I did something completely out of character. I put my van in drive, raised my left hand and gave AGLC the finger as I drove past. I’m not saying I’m a saint and I have been known to swear but I try really hard to be a compassionate and forgiving person. I am deeply committed to taking responsibility for my own feelings. I believe in kindness and trust everything happens for a reason. I believe love, not war, is the answer to our problems. I worked with Gisele for over a year on Dismissed. I know her story inside and out and not once did I feel angry. I listened as she recounted her pain. I took notes as I forced her to dig deep and share with me how her relationship affected and was affected by her addiction. I hugged her when she broke down in tears recalling what it was like to sit in front of the machines. I cried when she shared with me the details about the evening she attempted suicide. I sat on the edge of my seat when she told me what went down at the AGLC headquarters. I watched as she was ignored, put down and I watched her fight for answers every Albertan has a right to know and never once did I feel angry. I heard the tragedy my own mother suffered but I felt removed somehow, as if it was somebody else’s story. But today, of all days, three days after the books arrived from the printers,my emotions decided to surface and there I was in front of AGLC headquarters filled with anger. And truthfully, anger to that degree is rare for me. But there it was - raw, seething, bitter anger. Because I counsel people on their emotions and how to master them (www.theadigiapproach.com), I’m familiar with the fact that anger is often a secondary emotion and what usually lies right beneath it is hurt. I came home and asked myself why I was feeling angry. I realized I felt like I wanted to stick up for my mom –which, if you read the chapter called The Showdown in the book, you’ll see is really not something she needs. She’s pretty good at standing up for herself thank you very much. But in my anger, I wanted somebody to acknowledge what they had done. I wanted something to be done. I felt like I didn’t want to know what I now know. I wanted to pretend my government was the innocent protectors I used to believe they were. I didn’t want my bubble burst. I’m a classic optimist. I want heroes and honour and knights with principles and morals. I want the good guy to win. Instead, I now see clever villains masquerading as noblemen. And today I hate them. I hate the way they lie and sneak. I hate their hidden agendas. I hate the way they wearmasks. I hate the way they don’t care. I hate the judgments. I hate their selfishness. I hate their greed. Like I said, what I am feeling today isn’t pretty. I know it will pass. I will transcend these feelings. I won’t stay in this garbage. But today, that is how I feel. I’ll wake up soon and remember forgiveness. But for the moment, I’m choosing to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel.Obviously, I was affected by my mom’s experience far more than I realized. I’m looking back on how I gave a good ol’ #@% YOU! to AGLC as I drove past today and I’m thinking that maybe sometimes it’s okay to give the finger. |
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